As I was creating my website, I started to search through my pictures to see if I could find some good ones to upload.  I figure it’s always better to use my own pictures than buy a staged stock image.  I searched through my computer, my iPhone and my Facebook photos. Whoa!  Wait a minute!  Where are the pictures of me?

I found lots of pictures of me when I was younger and thinner.  Tons of pictures of the rest of my family and my dog.  Not many of me these last 10 years.  Surely, it must be because I’m not a selfie taker.  There had to be more of me on the Facebook pages of my husband and kids.  There were hardly any.

I started to really look at the pictures that did exist of me.  Most were either shots of our whole family for special occasions or candid photos that I didn’t pose for.  In many of these shots I was hiding behind other people or under a hat.  I remembered many of these events and photo ops where I begged out of the shot.  “Oh God, don’t take my picture” I would yell. “I don’t want to see all of these wrinkles.” 

As I flipped through each picture of family vacations and events I asked myself, when did I stop fully participating in my own life?  It wasn’t just vanity.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks; these pictures are a representation of my life.  There is an underlying feeling, a shadow if you study Carl Jung, which says I am not good enough.  I can’t let a picture of me be taken which shows my unworthiness, my imperfections, my vulnerabilities, my “less than”.

Tears flowed as I flashed on the scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life” where George Bailey realizes life really is wonderful even with all of its tribulations and cries to God and heaven, “I want to live! I want to live!”

I want to live too!  I want to be fully present!  I want to be a participant in my life, not just hidden in the background under a hat.  I don’t want to wait for the perfect shot, the perfect moment, or when I feel ready.

Am I scared?  Oh, hell yes I am!  But I think about what I’ve been through the last 10 years of my life and it’s not nearly as frightening as that.

So, gulp, here I go.  I’m working on my website, putting my classes together, going out to networking events, taking classes and firming up that elevator speech.  I’ve also added some important Eden Energy Medicine Exercises to my Daily Energy Routine to empower myself to make these changes in my life.  So if you see me, go ahead and take my picture.